4Gateways “Clean Talk”:
- State what you are feeling. (Lover) Keep it simple: sad, mad, glad, or
afraid or some combination of these.
“I feel angry when…
2 State the specific behavior that is in question. (Warrior)
“….you speak almost before I finish speaking….”
3 State what you believe, judge, think. (Magician)
“….I judge that you don’t respect me and haven’t really listened to what I’m saying.”
4 State what you want. (Sovereign) Work to keep your wants independent of whether the other person changes or not. “I want to be really heard and I want to know if I am right about my judgment.”
Additional supportive options:
Repeat what the other person has said before answering and get verification. Reflect feelings as well.
Clarify what you both want. Find out what both of you have as common interests and what a resolution might look like. What would constitute a “win” for both?
How will you know when things are as complete as they can be at this time?
Use “I” statements. Blaming (using “you”) escalates any difficult interaction.
Get support. Have another man facilitate and help you use the model. And if working in a group have someone beside or in back of each person.
Honor the right of each person to take radical freedom and choose another time and/or place. Honor the right to say “stop”, say “I don’t know”, be resistant, not answer every question, avoid eye contact, not explain themselves, take the time they want.
In Step 3, it is very important to speak and own both your judgments about the other person and about yourself.
Find out what is at risk for either person to change.
Make a clear ending, giving thanks, and acknowledging what did happen.
